Greetings 4am Fitness Crew.

I recently returned from celebrating the beautiful life of a dear relative who was gifted with long life, great health, and superior culinary ability.

While there was sadness – that sadness was draped with gratefulness and joy. There were stories, lots of stories – of an improbable one hundred year plus journey. A conquering journey, not with weapons, wealth, or political influence, but rather family, community, peace, and perseverance. 

As I meditated by the seaside the morning after the memorial service, a profound feeling of humility warmed my soul; I am a privileged beneficiary of all that joy, wisdom, and love.  What a priceless legacy to inherit.

I do not know where you are on your grief journey.  For me, and I am certain it also holds true for you, the journey never ends.

In the stillness of your 4am hour, look within and embrace those beautiful faces that continue to soothe you with comforting and reassuring smiles – smiles that liberally hydrate your soul’s cistern.

Most of my days are now mournful celebrations. Coping through positivity, not denial. Embracing my endowment – a bounty not left behind but planted within. Encouraging advice, forgiveness, laughter… beauty. A beauty that refuses to be diminished. Never leaves.

Psychologists identify the five stages of grief as.

• denial

• anger

• bargaining

• depression

• acceptance

These stages, while having a certain commonality, are certainly not applicable to all. Grief is variable, dynamic, and highly personal. Our cultures and beliefs systems also play a significant role in how we interact with loss. Express grief, commemorate, or celebrate your loss your way. A way that honors the memory of your dearly departed and accommodates your space for healing and well-being.

Give Yourself Time to Grieve

Emotional healing is akin to physical healing. Loss of a loved one is a deep wound – it is traumatic, it will take time. Have you ever tried to rush the healing of an injury? It only causes more pain, more trauma. More protracted imbalance to your wellness dimensions.            

Grieving unavoidably disrupts your emotional rhythm. Patience is the key to reestablishing that rhythm, that balance, that well-being. Is it not linguistically ironic that the root word in patience is pati, which is the Latin for suffering?

In this space of grief, and suffering, intentionally and mindfully go through your stages of loss. Those stages might be the five above, or a set of steps developed by you for you, or a process suggested by your therapist or instructed by your belief system, or cultural tradition. Incorporate breathing and relaxation exercises into this space to nourish a sustainable calm.

The stages of grief do not neatly conform to some smooth linear trajectory resulting in emotional equilibrium. This is trauma, and trauma is seldom organized in its genesis, and therefore the response and the rebuilding will take time. Everyone is different. Every situation is different. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself.  Take time to heal.

Be Emotionally Flexible

Emotional rigidity is dangerous and does not serve our health and well-being in any of life’s challenges, and that also applies to grief. It is a painful time – a time when negativity bias is operating on overdrive – and you might just be tempted to flee down an intuitive but destructive emotional alley; do not! 

Wellness is not ignoring the pain, the loss, the overwhelming sense of grief, it is (rather) exploring behaviors and activities that will fuel this journey with emotional transparency and healing - resetting our state of physical and mental well-being.

This emotional flexibility gifts us space to explore differing and sometimes unconventional paths to healing. Some take up dancing, volunteering, painting, or some other activity. Others forge closer relationships with long lost family, tracing roots long forgotten or ignored. Family Sunday lunches, family reunions, special family hikes, game nights have all been initiated or reignited from the trauma of grief.

While I participated in group grief counselling after a particularly traumatic loss, I also took up distance running to honor the memory of that loss. Those early runs were filled with that confusing mix of anger and acceptance, gratitude and pain, laughter and tears, self-loathing, and hope. But I ran and ran and … for my emotional sanity and physical health. I ran for my brother - who was an avid athlete and committed coach. An even better brother and dad. Twenty-Five years later, I am still running and celebrating his beautiful life on every run. And yup … still healing.

Emotional flexibility allows us to personalize our path to healing in ways that might be unorthodox, but valuable to our mental well-being. It mindfully paves a path for us to patiently work our way through the grieving process by participating in fulfilling, uplifting and fun activities. Activities that help us find ways to re-envision lives of purpose and happiness, while honoring the enduring connection of our loved one. (Source: Coping with Grief. NIH News in Health).

Other Healing and Coping Suggestions to facilitate your physical and mental health and well-being during your journey of grief

• Take care of yourself. Try to exercise regularly, eat healthy food, and get enough sleep. Avoid habits that can put your health at risk, like drinking too much alcohol or smoking.

Useful resources:

-       The Joy of Clean Eating

-       Improve Your Sleep Quality

• Talk with caring friends. Let others know if you need to talk.

Useful resource:

-       What is good grief support? Exploring the actors and actions in social support after traumatic grief. PubMed Central. PMID: 34043716

• Try not to make any major changes right away. It’s a good idea to wait for a while before making big decisions, like moving or changing jobs.

• Join a grief support group in person or online. It might help to talk with others who are also grieving. Check with your local hospice, hospitals, religious communities, and government agencies to find a group in your area.

• Consider professional support. Sometimes talking to a counselor about your grief can help.

• Talk to your doctor. Be sure to let your healthcare provider know if you’re having trouble with everyday activities, like getting dressed, sleeping, or fixing meals.

• Be patient with yourself. Mourning takes time. It’s common to feel a mix of emotions for a while.

Source: Coping With Grief. Life After Loss. NIH News in Health.

Spirituality

In times of grief, and the accompanying emotional hollowness, belief systems and traditions of faith can offer a comforting refuge that eases the pain.

These practices, philosophies and rituals surrounding death, and the afterlife often have deep family and cultural roots dating back many thousands of years and multiple generations. For practitioners, this space is uncomplicated, relatable, reassuring and provides an embracing and empathetic community.

This space provides answers that rationality and science often struggle with, providing answers through a higher purpose in the advancement of hope, comfort, reason for suffering, the reward of the afterlife, and renewed purpose after loss.

Spirituality is part of the eight dimensions of wellness and should not be ignored or minimized. Whether it is prayer, meditation, stillness, individual or communal worship, chants, or songs, embrace that space that serves your upliftment and well-being during this most challenging time.  

Concluding Thoughts

Does time heal? I do not have that answer. What I do know is, time restores that positivity and enriching purpose, our “beautiful faces” sincerely hoped for us. A wellness balance, which allows us an emotionally constructive co-existence, with grief and hope. A hope that patiently and mindfully resets our physical and mental well-being. Our happiness.

In the stillness of this 4am hour we celebrate with gratitude those enduringly beautiful faces gifted to us by time.  

Love NEVER dies.   

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